What is Narcissistic Abuse?
Narcissistic abuse is a form psychological and emotional manipulation that frequently occurs in domestic situations. The primary tactic of the abuser is to damage the victim’s self-worth by undermining their self-esteem and making them doubt their own thoughts or feelings. Narcissistic abuse commonly manifests as fear, coercion, isolation from friends and family, and psychological manipulation. In extreme cases, the abuser threatens or carries out physical violence to achieve the victim’s compliance.
There are numerous ways that narcissistic abuse can manifest, but in the context of domestic abuse, the most common examples include:
• Withholding affection – One of the ways that narcissistic abusers exert power and control over their victims is by denying emotional support or love. By withholding affection, the abuser creates an environment of fear, insecurity and helplessness for their partner.
• Silent treatment – This refers to giving the victim the "silent treatment," or refusing to engage with them unless they comply with the abuser’s demands. This isolation tactic causes significant emotional pain and creates distance between the victim and the abuser, giving the abuser the upper hand in the relationship .
• Gaslighting – A very common method of narcissistic abuse, gaslighting refers to a manipulation tactic that makes the victim feel confused, less competent or even mentally ill. In essence, gaslighting makes the victim question their own perception of reality and can create long-term psychological effects.
• Guilt-tripping – One of the most emotional and psychologically-damaging forms of narcissistic abuse is guilt. Frequently the abuser will blame their partner for anything they do wrong, which makes the victim feel as though they are to blame for the problems in the relationship. Guilt becomes a tool of manipulation in the hands of the abuser, and is used to reinforce power and control in the relationship.
• Using the children – This abuse tactic is especially common in situations involving divorce and child custody. The abuser uses the threat of taking away the victim’s children to exert their influence over them. In order to avoid losing access to their children, the victim may be forced to agree to any and all demands made by their partner.
These and other manipulation techniques employed by a narcissistic abuser can have serious psychological effects on victims. For custody disputes, it is vital to understand that even if the victim has not been physically abused, they may still suffer from mental and emotional abuse that puts the children at risk.
Evidence Collection for Abuse
An essential component of proving narcissistic abuse in court is the careful documentation of relevant evidence. Text messages, emails, and even documentation from social media may contain necessary information that prove the existence of a pattern of abuse. Accordingly, these records must be cataloged and preserved so that the pattern of the abuse can be demonstrated in court.
Preserving Texts and Emails
If a restraining order has not been issued and communication is still ongoing between the accused abuser and survivor, it is critical that all text messages and emails are preserved. Take screenshots and save all relevant text message threads to your phone. Take shots of the entire text thread to prove the identity of the abuser as well as the context of the communications. Screenshots should show the abuser’s name as it appears in your phone contacts as well as the time and date of the text messages. For email, simply print the emails. In both cases, this documentation should be kept in a safe location, making sure to preserve them in the event that the accused abuser destroys his or her cell phone or email accounts.
Social Media
Social media may prove to be an invaluable tool for documenting a person’s history of narcissistic abuse. Remember, the abuser will often try to manipulate and control this process to his or her advantage, so it’s critical that all documentation be preserved in printed form. Any instances of social media posts containing the names of the survivor or children should be saved as screenshots. Information on removed posts or deleted comments may also be proven by screen shots. If the abuser deletes the content altogether, it may still be possible to prove the existence of the post by running a cache on Google or by using a site like the Wayback Machine, which stores previous versions of a page.
There may also be posts by third-party commenters that demonstrate a pattern of narcissistic abuse over a long period of time, as these online interactions tend to span months or years. Facebook polls and barrage questions may also provide evidence of controlling and abusive behavior. Simply taking screenshots and printing them out for court or including them in an exhibit binder may be sufficient to prove the existence of narcissistic abuse through social media.
Finally, saved social media conversations and posts may also help to establish credibility in court. The accused abuser will often try to claim that the survivor is mentally ill in order to diminish his or her claims of abuse. However, if a survivor has a record of being held in high esteem by family and friends online, it may be possible to show the court that the behavior of the accused abuser was not typical, and that the survivor is not the one who suffers from mental health problems or emotional instability.
Testimony and Affidavits
Even with the strongest documentation and eyewitness proof, proving your case of abuse in court can still fall short if you cannot find witnesses to back your claims with their own testimonies. If you have friends and family members who have been privy to the abusive behavior of your ex or if you have medical and law enforcement records that would prove the abuse, you could be able to have these individuals and agencies entered as evidence in your case.
If you cannot find witnesses to support your case, all you have to go on is the strength of your own records and the book given to you by your attorney to prove your case. It can be very difficult to move forward in this type of case especially with the ex’s repeated threats of bringing psychiatric and legal action against you. But your power in the courtroom lies within your own testimony to convey your case of abuse.
When it comes to your testimony, you will have the opportunity to present your side of the story to the judge and jury and you absolutely should take that opportunity and run with it. You cannot control the testimony of others, but you can control how and what you tell.
You should absolutely spend time preparing your testimony with your attorney. The judge and jury will weigh heavily the statements of the opposing parties in the courtroom but they will pay close attention to what you have to say as well. Saying too much can often backfire with the jury, while saying too little can hurt you as well.
Keeping your case simple in court helps drive home just how damaging the relationship was for you. It becomes easy for your ex to make excuses and pass blame off on you but if you show up with the truth about what happened and do not burden the courtroom with a lot of extra information, the jury will see your point. The trick is to not cut corners.
Use a few solid examples that bring to the forefront the most important moments in the relationship that prove how it affected you. If you can, keep track of how you felt at these moments so that you can express to the court exactly how you were feeling at the time of the abuse, and how you feel still today.
Just remember that the courtroom is cold and sterile, and so while you may be recounting traumatic events that sometimes seem painfully fresh, focus on telling your story instead of showing off how you feel about it. This can be incredibly difficult for many people and may take some time to practice. Again, it is best done with your attorney’s help.
Mental Health Evaluation
The process of psychological examinations can help you prove your case of narcissistic abuse in court. The first step in the process is that they will give you an intake test. This is a series of various questions that will touch on all areas of your life. A psychologist who specializes in narcissism will be able to see through some of the tricks that narcissists use. They are very skilled and trained to see around the mask that these people put up and to identify the real problem. The psychologist will also sit down and talk to you about every aspect of your life. You will have open discussions about every question that they have. They are working hard to try and get a feel for your current situation . They will look at your legal file in the court case and really spend a lot of time with you. The process may be difficult, but it may help you identify what is going on. It will allow you to identify what is going on in your relationship, and it will help you understand how to combat that. You may also be subjected to an interview with your spouse as well, and maybe the rest of your family. They will review their story along with the other aspects of your life. The goal of this is to identify any patterns of narcissistic behavior that are present in the lives of both parties. It is important that you are honest during this entire process. The more truthful you can be, the better your outcome will be.
Legal Techniques and Representation
In cases of emotional and psychological abuse, especially those involving a narcissistic parent, your lawyer’s expertise and understanding of your case will prove invaluable to ensuring your children are protected. The lawyer’s role for the abused parent usually involves educating the opposing side, not only about the emotional impact of narcissistic or other personality disorders, but about the clinical manifestations of the pathology and its harmful effects on children. When neither party can be diagnosed as mentally ill, it is not a matter of mental illness or narcissism. As the law is applied in Pennsylvania, however, it is the pathology that must be addressed in order to protect the children.
Understanding the diagnosis is not for the sake of diagnosing one’s Ex. Certain personality disorders exhibit the need for control of the other party. In such cases, the abused parent often becomes the target of the abuser’s rage and aggression. Of more concern is the abuser’s attempt to control the other parent. In fact, most personality disorders reflect symptoms of being domineering, externalizing blame, and lack of empathy.
While it may be tempting to insist on going into detail about your Ex’s abusive habits, behavior, and historical patterns of emotional violence, it is only necessary when trying to prove that the restoration of the status-quo ante to the relationship is no longer feasible or safe for you and your children. When embarking on the arduous role of proving narcissistic abuse in family court, it is advised that a "forceful" lawyer is chosen who is not afraid to challenge "bad behavior" and is guided by a sense of safety. It is not enough find a lawyer who has read the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) or who can regurgitate what everyone else understands as narcissism, though most lawyers will argue otherwise. Your lawyer must understand that there is a possibility your Ex has never been diagnosed and unlikely to ever be diagnosed, but that diagnosis is not the issue. While there is a spectrum of narcissism, personality disorders exist on a spectrum. Not every narcissist will act out – some narcissists hide in plain view. This is relevant when determining your evidence and what behaviors are more likely to control the course of litigation and/or keep you safe. Many child custody evaluators release reports containing language about the DSM definition of narcissistic personality disorder, but fail to adequately explain why the difference between DSM definitions and legal definitions of personality disorders matter. Even some lawyers take the DSM definition, when discussing personality disorders, verbatim. In reality, the definitions are different, but in the hands of the wrong expert or attorney, children can be wrongly returned to their abusers.
The DSM diagnosis matters because of how it is used. For example, the DSM definition of narcissistic personality disorder describes the condition as related to (among other things) feelings of entitlement. The DSM definition even specifically states that "[t]he person with NPD may . . . lash out at those who don’t meet their expectations." The DSM definition is of paramount importance when it comes to legal representation because – people with NPD do, in fact, act out when other people do not meet their expectations. That means emotions [i.e., rage, sadness, denial, etc.] THE REASON WHY it is important to note that this is part of the DSM definition of narcissism is because if you or your children are not compliant with the NPD individual’s expectations, an eruption will occur – resulting in trauma.
This explosion of emotion will, undoubtedly, result in the way the NPD parent relates to the children, how they treat the abused ex-spouse, and, consequently, the way the children relate to the other parent. In this context, the DSM definition of narcissism should be applied to parenting and custody concerns.
Narcissistic Abuse Challenges
One of the most significant challenges victims face when dealing with a narcissistic abuser is the unique tactics they employ that make evidence of the abuse harder to substantiate. Prior to marriage, the abuser may have manipulated their victim by presenting to the people around them the false persona of a charismatic, helpful, and caring companion. Once the abuser secures a marriage license and a judge’s signature on a marriage certificate, the truth about their character may emerge—particularly in private behind closed doors—but by this time it is often too late. It is affable, transparent people we know who are often able to call our attention to abusive behaviors without the worry of being called "too sensitive." For example, if someone we know is being unreasonably rude, overly controlling, or lacks respect for the privacy of others , we’ll know we can trust the judgment of our friend who just doesn’t want to put up with the rude behavior; there must be something to it! Narcissists manipulate people into believing the victim has a chronic "tendency to overreact and feel sensitive or offended." They change the narrative in their favor, making themselves appear benevolent, defensive, and even reasonable. Oftentimes, they convince the victim they are "crazy," "overly emotional," "invalidated," "too literal," or "delusional." It puts the victim "on the defense," as an abuser calls them out for being "manipulative" or "biased." They will go so far as to try to frame themselves as ‘a good person’ helping ‘the poor, suffering victim’ out of a desire for their partner’s well-being. Because the victim is attempting to document the abuse of an expert manipulator, they may have trouble proving this abuse without the help of friends and family who do not witness the behavior. More difficult than Abu Ghraib soldiers caught on video are the average person who is targeted behind closed doors.